NFL QUARTERBACKS AS ICONIC HORROR VILLAINS
With the NFL Season and Spooky Season both mired in the hopeless dregs of summer’s end, there has never been a better time for starting QB’s to get their horror villain comp. Here are the rules: not every horror villain is a Quarterback, but every Quarterback is a horror villain. I’m not the rule maker, so don’t be mad at me when your favorite QB is compared to a frightening little devil boy who may or may not be the Anti-Christ, but almost certainly is. I’m simply reporting the news as it comes across my desk.
5. Trevor Lawrence - The Girl from The Ring (The Ring)
This has nothing to do with hair, ok? I certainly was not thinking about Trevor Lawrence’s gloriously long, golden locks draped over his face as he crawls out of a console CRT TV among blue and gray static, slinking across the floor on all fours in his Jaguars uniform on the way to suck out your soul. I wasn’t thinking about that. This is because neither Trevor Lawrence nor The Girl from The Ring are all that terrifying, but if you do find yourself sitting alone in a room watching tape of either, you might die.
4. Baker Mayfield - Reagan Macneil/Pazuzu (The Exorcist)
Both Baker and Reagan have gumption. Moxie. Bravado. They are the piss and vinegar of their respective fields. There has never been a better trash talker than Reagan. Well, maybe not Reagan, but Pazuzu is a needling bitch. Baker has a little bit of that Pazuzu magic in him. In Week 2, Mayfield went down after a run with what looked like a for-sure achilles injury, his body all curled up in a fetal ball, grabbing his ankle after an awkward hit. Here comes C.J. Gardner-Johnson sauntering over to stand above the fallen QB, to which Baker jumps up and almost certainly yells, “Your mother sucks c**** in hell!” into his face guard, seemingly uninjured and ready to throw down. Baker started floating over his offensive line on the next play.
3. Daniel Jones - Pennywise (IT)
We all thought Daniel Jones was a clown. We were sure of it. A murderous clown who killed years of a franchise, Saquon’s window, and led the Giants to another rebuild. As it turns out, he’s actually an interdimensional spider monster whose power is beyond all comprehension. Who knew?
2. Tua Tagovailoa - Big Daddy (Land of the Dead)
Look, I’m saying that Tua being a sentient zombie is a GOOD thing. That big, smart, resourceful zombie from Land of the Dead learned how to use guns and organized a revolution against the hoity-toity upper class denizens of the hotel/casino/highrise (Is this right? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen Land of the Dead? Me neither). They were all secondary citizens before Big Daddy showed up with his incredibly short time to throw and masterful efficiency. He led them to the promised land. Who was around before Tua? Ryan Tannehill? Ok. Sure. Zombie Tua is a GOOD thing.
1. Aaron Rodgers - Jack Torrance (The Shining)
A-Rod on the Steelers is like the end of The Shining, when they zoom in on the photo of the 1920’s flapper party and Jack is smiling back, right smack dab in the center of the picture. He looks so happy. Now, rewind a bit and Rodgers leaving the Packers for the Jets is like Jack accepting a remote job in an abandoned hotel built on a Native American burial ground. The Jets franchise is an abandoned hotel built on a Native American burial ground. He tears his achilles in game one and then spends the rest of the year roaming the halls, bouncing rubber balls around the facility, isolating himself. “All work and no play makes Aaron a dull boy.” After spending the following year doing the Kubrick stare for 17 games, he talks to Lloyd the Bartender (Mike Tomlin is definitely Aaron’s drinking buddy) who lets him know where he belongs. Where he’ll finally be alright. All he has to do is kill everyone and die.